With a few simple tips, you will reach your goal of building assertive communication skills!

How many times do you find yourself holding your tongue in conversations for fear of offending someone, starting an argument, or stumbling and not clearly expressing yourself?  You’re not alone.  Being able to communicate assertively can feel intimidating.  But it doesn’t have to be.  By following a few basic assertiveness principles when communicating with others, you will find your confidence grows.  Not only that, but healthy communication can also strengthen your relationships with others.

Assertive communication is really all about being able to express both positive and negative thoughts and feelings in an open, honest, direct way.  It’s about communicating in a respectful, yet confident way.  On the other end of the spectrum from assertive communication is its negative counterpart: aggressive, submissive, or manipulative communication.  By learning some easy methods for improving assertive communication, you can ditch old, unhelpful ways of communicating that may have been putting dampers on your relationships with others.

When you speak to others assertively, you will likely find many of these positive benefits start ringing true for you:

• Increased self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Less anxiety when speaking to others.
• Reaching goals you previously felt were unachievable.
• Reduction in alienating others or hurting others’ feelings.
• Improved boundaries and not feeling taken advantage of by others.
• Increased bond and connection with others.

6 Tips for Improving Assertive Communication:

1) Rehearse what you want to say.

Practicing what you want to express to someone beforehand can do wonders.  This can help reduce the emotional overwhelm many people feel when they are trying to communicate something difficult.  Also, try to think of some “I” statements that you can use when you communicate.  “I” statements allow you to express how YOU are feeling due to someone else’s behavior and help communicate the effect that has on you.

**Example: “I feel frustrated when you are late to our meeting as I don’t like having to repeat information.”

2) Become a broken record (i.e., repeat your assertion).

When you convey your message to someone, they may come back at you with manipulative communication, where they derail the conversation into another topic, bait you into an argument, or throw irrelevant material into the conversation.  By calming reiterating your original message, you bring the topic of conversation gently back to your original point.

**Example:

“I feel sad when you cancel plans at the last minute as I am not able to make other plans then.”

“You should be able to be more spontaneous.”

“I hear you, but when I make plans with you, I like to know I can count on you.”

“Well, that’s just not real life.  Things come up at the last minute.”

“I understand that.  So that I don’t feel so sad and disappointed, I would appreciate if you could give me more advance warning if you know you won’t be able to keep our plans.”

3) Accept critiques.

This can often be a hard step as it requires us becoming comfortable receiving criticism without getting nervous or defensive.  The way you do this is by acknowledging the criticism, giving merit to it by recognizing there may be some truth to the criticism, and yet, remaining the judge of your choice of action.

**Example: “I agree that there have been times I have canceled plans at the last minute and can see how this has negatively affected you.”

4) Negative inquiry.

This technique involves actually seeking out criticism about yourself with those you are in close relationship with.  This allows for more honest, albeit negative feelings, to be able to be expressed so they can be resolved appropriately.

**Example: “I hear that you think I don’t make you a priority.  Can you tell me some things I have done to make you feel this way and how I can make this better?”

5) Negative assertion.

This involves becoming more comfortable looking at the negative sides of your own personality or behavior without becoming defensive or angry.  This allows others to feel more comfortable broaching hard subjects with you.

**Example: “You are right, I don’t always give you my full attention when you speak to me.”

6) Compromise.

By fulling hearing what the other person is communicating to you, and responding in a way that shows the person you want to meet their needs as well as your own needs, you can both end up satisfied.

**Example: “I understand how important it is that we be able to talk about this.  I need to finish this task first, so can we talk in 15 minutes?”

Craving more real-life examples of assertive communication?  See below!:

• “I definitely understand what you’re saying but I have to disagree.”
• “Could you explain the reasoning behind your decision, so I can try to understand what you’re doing?”
• “Can you suggest a time we can talk about the missed deadline. I’m concerned.”
• “I felt disappointed when you rushed out the door before we had a chance to finish our conversation.  When are you free to finish talking?”

Assertive communication is the key for building mutual respect in relationships.  Just like with any new skill, the more you practice it, the easier it will become.  Keep in mind the 3 C’s of assertive communication:

1) Confidence.

You are able to convey your message in a way that shows you really believe in yourself and what you’re saying.

2) Clarity.

You are clear, succinct, and easy to understand.

3) Control.

You monitor the conversation and adjust your tactics in communicating your message as you go.

If you find assertive communication remains a daunting challenge, Wellspring Women’s Counseling is here to assist you in improving this skill.  With help, you can find improved confidence and stronger relationships.