Fear not, boundaries don’t have to be a bad thing!  Find out how to build better boundaries…

When we hear the word “boundaries”, many of us find ourselves getting tense and feeling uneasy.  The word boundaries tend to initially create an uneasy connotation.  We think of boundaries as putting up a wall and shutting someone out.  That’s not really the case, though.  In the therapy field, we talk a lot about boundaries.  Why is that?

The reason is that boundaries are so very crucial in nearly every aspect of our lives.  Boundaries are the basis of a healthy relationship.  When we set healthy parameters for how we interact with others, it not only protects ourselves from unnecessary hurt, but it also protects the other person in that relationship.  How?  If we do have not have appropriate boundaries with others, we can find ourselves drained when interacting with the other person, and we can resent the time we spend with them, even anticipating the struggle we will experience when we interact with them.

We’ve all had that person in our lives that we dread seeing, because we know that they’ll push our buttons by asking too many intrusive, personal questions, giving unsolicited advice, or criticizing us in ways we aren’t prepared to handle.  Do you have a coworker who asks much too personal questions about your relationship with your partner?  Do you have a neighbor who borrows your lawnmower without asking?  Do you have a parent or in-law who offers regular criticisms on how you are parenting your children?  These are all instances where boundaries can be beneficial in protecting your feelings and teaching the other person how they can interact with you in a healthier way.

So how do you actually go about setting effective, healthy boundaries?  There are some clear, simple steps to doing this.

1) Decide what your core values are.

The easiest way to figure this out is to pay attention to when certain things get under your skin.  Are there certain things you are just plain uncomfortable with when interacting with others?  Perhaps you really can’t stand when others comment on your physical appearance.  Maybe you struggle to say no to the coworker who regularly pushes some of their work off to you.  Or you regularly find your neighbor criticizing the condition of your house or maintenance of your yard.  There’s a reason these things bother you.  Because in your heart you know that they are crossing values that are important to you.

2) Tune into your feelings.

When you trust your inner reactions when you interact with someone, you will learn a great deal.  When you interact with a certain person, do you leave feeling uplifted or depleted? This will tell you a lot about whether stronger boundaries are needed in future interactions with that person.

3) Be assertive.

I live in Minnesota and I know in my state the term “Minnesota nice” can often be short-hand for being passive-aggressive and trying to put on a nice, people-pleasing exterior.  This is a slippery slope because when we are more concerned with putting on a persona that focuses only on being presentable to others, we can end up ignoring our own needs.  Instead, learning to say what you need in a kind, yet clear and assertive manner goes a long way in protecting ourselves from boundary infringements.

4) Communicate your boundaries.

Here’s the tricky bit.  Learning how to tell someone that there need to be limits in your relationship can be really hard.  Embrace this difficulty.  A few moments of uncomfortable conversation will be worth a long future of more healthy interactions.  It can help to use the “sandwich method” where you sandwich your request for boundaries amidst two complements.  You can practice by writing out a script for how you will communicate boundaries if you’re nervous.  Here are a few ideas:

–To the person who asks too many personal questions, “I love chatting with you, but I’d rather not talk about that subject, though I would love to talk with you about x, y, z.”

–To the person who offers unsolicited advice, “Your friendship means a lot to me but I’m going to stop you there.  I feel uncomfortable when you offer suggestions like this to me.  I’d really appreciate if you were instead able to just listen to my concerns openly without trying to fix my problems.”

5) Say what you mean, mean what you say.

If you are asking someone to respect boundaries in the relationship and they continue to cross those boundaries, you need to be prepared to remind them of those boundaries and hold strong to the limits you have set.

6) Say no simply but firmly.  Practice saying no.

Habits are hard to break and people who cross boundaries are often not used to having limits set.  The more you hold strong to your boundary and say no when others try pushing you past where you are comfortable, the quicker the other person will learn to uphold those boundaries.

7) Strategize how you’ll respond to boundary violations and realize it’s impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences.

If the person you are trying to set limits and boundaries with continues to not respect them, you will need to make a plan for how to handle this.  If we don’t have a consequence for boundary violations, there is nothing preventing the other person from ignoring our requests.  The best way to address this issue is to tell the person “if, then”.  For instance, “If you continue to criticize my parenting when you call me, then I will hang up the phone.”  Or, “If you continue to take things off my desk without asking, I will no longer lend things to you.”  Being direct and clear with what will happen helps the other person realize that there are limits to what you will accept.

There are times where despite your best efforts, certain people will continue to cross or violate boundaries you have set up.  In these cases, you may need more support to figure out how to handle this situation.  Talking with a therapist can help you dissect the complexities of the relationship and figure out how to handle the situation in a way where you don’t continue to feel hurt.  In the end, the better we build healthy boundaries with others, the better we will feel in our day to day interactions with others.

Wellspring Women’s Counseling is here to help and support you in your path to creating healthier boundaries!